Short but sweet….
Imagine waking up and remembering things that you thought were lost forever? This happened to me tonight. I know this is way past my Sunday midnight duty, but a busy weekend was had. If I have any hopes of finishing this book before 2016, I guessed I should just go for it. For those that don’t know, this blog is just a peek at what’s to come.
When I was young I took life for granted and thought I would marry the man of my dreams, have children and become a wife and a mother. When I actually became these things I wanted more. I wanted a career, a business of my own, a life I controlled, and I proceeded on that path. I knew I needed a partner as ambitious as I was. That didn’t happen until I met Dr. T. I wondered how can this man who is so far past my age, intelligence and worldly wisdom want me? Being so self-destructive at the time, I tried my best to unknowingly sabotage the relationship at every turn. I was still young, wild, heart broken, and ill that I had no clue who I was. I wish I could tell a story that it all came to me overnight and poof, like magic and impulsive desire. It actually came after two and a half years of dating, and three years of marriage when my life was saved in every sense of the word. Like tonight, I woke up. After a pity party regretting all the time I had wasted, the going got tough and the fighter in me got going!
I’m writing this because my middle son at 18 is lost at love, and what he wants to do with his life. After all the pressure and trying to control him and motivate him to decide what he was going to do with his life, I realized he’s just like me. He’s actually better than me, because he admits that he just doesn’t know! So now my outlook on it has changed. I want him to find himself first. I want him to strap on a back pack and be fearless in traveling into the unknown. As many of you know, I had a struggle with an illness that didn’t have a name. He doesn’t. It’s a hereditary disease, he has been tested for and although he may be a carrier, the disease is not active in his blood. This is such an amazing gift he has received but doesn’t fully understand the value of it. My sweet dreams tonight, and my prayers are for him to spread his wings and fly! He is a beautiful soul. He wears his heart on his sleeve, like me. Every mother wants the very best for their children, and I am no different. I finally woke up and now I understand him.
What will I do with this new found knowledge? What will I say? For the first time in a long time, I’m not going to say anything. I am going to listen. Hopefully I won’t be alone in this. His Father, my former husband, and best friend ironically opened his eyes at the same time I did. I think our unbreakable bond that has been broken, and struggled over the years has returned and we are not alone in parenting anymore. Better late than never. Hopefully, in the words of a very wise woman who said to me about our sons,”the sibling bond between you and my son is important. These brothers will forever be bound to us and through that bond wonderful things can happen”.
Perhaps that is the starting point. Unconditional love, acceptance, and faith that will carry our very different boys, can also help us to guide them both back to each other and to learn from one another. My mentor in business and in life always told me when you stop listening and learning you can no longer lead and will be forced to follow. With both of us finally wake with our eyes wide open are doing this for ourselves. Tomorrow is a new day, and a new beginning to love our son through this difficult time by listening, learning and when he comes to the fork in the road, love him even more so he will no longer be lost, and pick the right path. We will cheer him on, and help pick him up if he falls down, like Saturday’s soccer game with his brother. I’m sorry he wasn’t there to see it, but I would be willing to bet he heard about it and smiled. That’s a start for me to begin to unveil who I really am, and without the mask, he will see the love I have for him and the tears of joy in my eyes. I’m sorry I fell asleep for awhile, but I’m here now. Let us both love you and hold you tight as we first started to the very second you were put in our arms. We do love you so much, Cody.
That’s all I can do for now.