Your mind is racing with your “TO DO” list, so much that you have to drag yourself from a sleepy slumber and just write. Another such night for me. I know my husband is a light sleeper, and my tossing and turning will awaken him. I cannot bere the thought of an innocent person being hurt, because he was deprived of sleep. So, here I sit, admittedly productively finishing Sunday nights blog.
It actually doesn’t come at to of an inconvenient time considering it needed to be done in the first place. How engaging is this? It’s not. But, wait there’s more…..
Early evening I attempted, once again to get insurance matters, and finances out-of-the-way with the EX for our youngest child. Money is a difficult thing to discuss as it is, and I have the two most important men in my life squabbling over a few dollars, and payroll deduction versus trusting him to pay us on time. How many women can relate with this? I would be willing to bet MANY. How many women would rather forgo money in lieu of harmony and happiness even if the other party wins? Probably many, as long as you have an equal participant in other aspects. I do not, unless it includes fun things like sports, etc…Otherwise, every parent/teacher conference, every tutor, every guidance counselor meeting, every doctor’s visit, every part of being a parent is on me. All school fee’s, new outfits, any other money requirement is on me. When I’m a good girl and I don’t complain, and when I am as accommodating as I can be, all goes well! The second I question this or suggest another route, usually, I am yelled at. To the point of tears…(Disclaimer…as of late the babies daddy has significantly improved, but I’m still making a point!) My wonderful husband who really provides so much for my children, including his time, vacations, and other things, get’s furious! Why wouldn’t he be? Okay, so dope head that says he pays medical bills, he says, hey don’t worry it’s all taken care of,he is not worried when the collection notices show up at my home. This makes my husband furious! These are our colleagues and friends that are taking care of my children. The embarrassment of a collection notice coming home is NOT acceptable. Does carefree, newly single motorcycle guy care? NO. I have an offer on the table for us to take over the inadequate insurance he offers that would save him money, he does agree, but will not agree to having it payroll deduction? So, the issue is after a long history of not paying the required bills, or even asking for child support, do I fight or give in for the greater good? I’m not going to get into this fully, because it is addressed in the book and a – GIRLFRIENDS GUIDE OF WHAT NOT TO DO, accompanies this. I always want to keep the peace. Parents are at peace, so are the children, Right? I, personally do not care to engage in such arguments, it’s easier just to pay the bill and move on. However, my income has been significantly reduced due to time off and finally dealing with my medical issues which are life threatening. This EX that proclaims he is so understanding of this, is NOT at all. He has made it clear to me if I go for a payroll deduction (just medical, plus expenses, no child support) he will either flee to another country or sabotage his own career and work at McDonald’s? He claims this “garnishment” would ruin his upper level executive job? Okay, let’s think about this upper level executive job for a moment. Is he working for IBM? Wall street? A large financial institution? NO. He is working for a Mom and Pop HVAC company. I am not in any way bashing his accomplishments, but it’s not that big of a deal, and since it will be clearly stated in the court’s order, he would still be able to get this done pre-tax dollars. So, who wins? I’m caught in the middle of “Who’s private part is bigger?”, I can tell you that answer without a doubt, not only does the husband Doctor win, but he is right!! If I am doing all the work, paying all the bills, and this is the minimum he has to put up with – what is the big deal? What? Someone please enlighten me.
He has had to pay medical bills, and my attorney’s fee’s in the past. He has lost at every turn. Now he states that he has consulted with an attorney that says he can appeal to civil court? This is crazy talk. In the state of Virginia, it is a chart. I make X, you make X, I am the primary custody holder, and the calculation is done! It is of no relevance what my husband makes, this is his final child to pay for, at 15, I might add, so you are going to work at McDonald’s for three years? I have already agreed to pay out our youngest son’s full college tuition, which he will be attending directly after high school and you are going to spend thousands, he told me, so this doesn’t happen? Where is the logic? (If you have thousands, why not put them in a college fund for the kids?) Where is the brain of this once smart savvy person I knew? Where? To boot at the end of the conversation, which was becoming heated, my children arrived for dinner and I was certain they had heard part of this conversation. So, I politely say, listen, I don’t agree with your attitude, but I love you and we will work it out. This makes my baby (15) smile at me as he is headed for the shower before dinner. This smile is what I LIVE for. So, a person has to wonder, does being the doormat make you the better person for the greater good? Or, does this just encourage people to break laws, disabuse trust, and treat others poorly unless they get their way? What lesson does that teach in the end?
I won’t even go into the remarkable person that my husband is that has NEVER overstepped his boundaries, and despite dealing with this foolishness, just flipped the bill for the entire family vacation to Vail, including my children! This is the guy you are angry with over $270 dollars payroll deduction for medical? Really? He is simply supporting his wife and making the person who says he wants to be the involved parent accountable. No grudges, no hatred, nothing more. The only sort of unkind text he sent my EX was to say that he was adolescent in his view of this matter, and the way he would graciously add our son to the insurance was through payroll deduction. The response he received was it was “none of his business”, and he was only talking about what he had heard and had no real knowledge of the facts? Are court orders, and collection bills not facts? Are hearing his wife cry and suffer when she is in no condition to do so, not a reason to step up? In my thoughts that is what any great man would, and should do.
Again, not wanting to ruin the plot of the book, I suffered tremendously for years at the hands of his live in(aka demon from hell, in the book) girlfriend. As I have written in previous blogs, as soon as she was shown the front door – all was forgiven. To quote Carly Simon, “Your so vain”, tells the entire story. My forgiveness was not for him, and honestly not even for my children. It was for me. Carrying around that boulder weighs a person down. It’s not a life I want to lead. Forgiveness, sets your heart, mind, body and soul free. I did it selfishly for me. Is an apology, I’m sorry I put you through all that too much to ask? Especially, when you have already admitted that you weren’t your best self at the time? When he went through all of that – who was by his side? Who cheered him on and said you CAN do this? Me. Did I forget his Birthday? Nope, gift wrapped and all, from the kids. Did I not help in furnishing his entire basement for our 19-year-old? YES AGAIN, I did it all. Big screen TV, bed, dressers, lamps, night stands, and everything. I did it for our oldest son so I am not asking for cheers and BIG thank you’s. I’m simply asking for the decent person I once knew to step up, help me out some, participate in SOME of the real parenting that goes into raising fine young men. That’s all. Too much to ask for?
In closing, and I truly believe this – paying it forward is the way to live. There is no greater life without it. Despite my disease, despite my other medical conditions – I am a fighter and am here to stay. I really believe in the natural goodness of others. I really believe in the “girl code” and having each other’s backs. I also really believe that there are good men out there who know how to treat their wives, girlfriends and women in general with the love and the respect they deserve. I believe this because leading by example produces great men. My oldest son is a wonderful caring husband. My youngest son at the airport saw an older woman struggling with her luggage and without hesitation, turned around and said, “Mam, can I please help you with that?” Those are the rewards of living a good life. Those are the rewards of your heart being filled with joy knowing they are practicing what has been taught without being told to do so. My middle son is getting it. New gorgeous, smart, blonde haired – hazel eyed girlfriend! That’s all for now. Breakfast sandwiches made, Doctor off to the hospital, boy genius off to school – Mom off to bed.
Mask of the Doctor’s wife