My husband has saved my life in so many ways. Literally, and emotionally. He has worked very hard to be the one man, besides Daddy, and my children, that has never given up with on me. You could pile 1,000 suitcases full of baggage and not even come close to what I brought with me into this relationship. Any other normal man would have given up long ago. He is not a normal man. He is so different from me, but yet we are so much alike. We are not quitters. We are not victims. We are survivors that will overcome adversity and strive to improve ourselves. We realize that we are both human and make mistakes. If we do hurt each other, and this happens in marriage, when the conflict is over, it truly is OVER. No grudges, no keeping score, no revengeful paybacks. This is a miracle to have this kind of unconditional love and security.
I can have a HOT temper. I can take a lot, and really do not express my anger at the time. This is not a good thing. Eventually that straw of hay will break the camels back and I will explode! That leaves your partner feeling like, What happened? They don’t understand. For as much as I do talk, I keep a great deal hidden inside. For many reasons, but mostly out of fear of rejection and heartbreak. I’ve had so much of this over my life that I try to avoid it like the plague! I haven’t got time for the pain. (said best by Carly Simon) I forgive people that have wronged me. I’m selfish. I don’t do this for them, I do it for me. Carrying that huge boulder on my shoulders weighs me down, and most importantly hurts my overall health and longing to become well in body, mind and spirit.
I am the highest of high maintenance, and I understand this about myself. It is one of the things on my MANY items on the “to do” lists that I am working on. I was brought up to believe that crying and freely expressing emotions were a sign of weakness and not good qualities that attract good relationships and friends, Like my husband, I don’t want to wear down my good friends, family and children with my illness. I want them to see the true me – happy, go lucky, confident, secure, and in control. (Well, almost always in control, the wine sometimes hurts more than it helps) I may not always succeed at this, but I will never stop trying. Rehab is for quitters!
I do attempt to pay it forward whenever I can, and I feel other people’s pain. It is in my nature to want to help, to want to lend a helping hand, and to succeed in trying to make a difference. This world can be so cold, if I can make someone else feel warmer, safer, lend/give money, or make others lives a little brighter, again I may not always succeed, but I will try. If I hurt someones feelings, I feel genuine remorse and will say I’m sorry, I will admit to being wrong. This comes at a huge risk for me because many times I feel things on a deeper level than most. I do not like pain. Let me rephrase that, I hate pain and the very thought of it scares me to my core. Being so vulnerable comes with huge risk. I risk putting myself out there in hopes that others may think of me in times when I may need a helping hand. Many times, unfortunately because I dislike burdening others, I don’t give them the opportunity and just selfishly expect them to just know when I need a helping hand. When people do not come to my rescue, I become angry and may even lash out if provoked. I know this is wrong, so again, it is on my “to do list” of things that I want to work on. Just because I am in tune with others and sense their pain, does not mean that they are going to be in tune to mine. They are not mind readers, and I am trying to accept that.
I am forever in my wonderful husbands debt for saving my life, and I am sure this is a debt that I can never fully repay as hard as I might try! Some might say I make it harder on myself than I should. As much as I would love to lie about this and say they are wrong, that would in fact be a lie. I am my toughest critic and my own worst enemy when it comes to this; Another thing on my ever growing “to do list” of self awareness and true recovery.
I refuse to be a victim!
I am no angel, I am no better than anyone else, and being humble is trait I admire in others and attempt to be myself! I think when you achieve a certain amount of success, it is difficult to remember this! So mark today’s date April 1, 2015 as the date that I am attempting to be mindful. To those that truly know me, this is not an April Fools joke!
If you have never failed at something, you have never really tried! Forgiveness is something I give to others freely. On todays date my goal is to learn to forgive myself! A tall order for most, but for me it is a mountain. So, in closing, I hope I have inspired some of you. How can you expect someone else to forgive you when you say you are sorry, if you cannot forgive who should be the most important person in your life, being you? I firmly believe without this self awareness of putting yourself first, you are incapable of helping others.
Until next time,
The Mask of the Doctors wife