Here she goes again!

The deadline was at Midnight, Sunday the 23rd.  As you can see I am struggling!  I am really focusing on “keeping it real’, but I am also focusing on not writing a medical journal.

The disease that plagued my entire life, has also saved my life.  It’s very hard to produce a timeline of events, how I somehow made it through them, and how my life is forever changed, but so much was lost.


Chapter secosmopolitan-282993_1920.jpgven is the most emotional part of the book for me.  Although I was already a mother of three, I was freaking out over the next surgery they told me I had to have immediately, and it  would forever change me as a woman who could no longer have any more children.  I knew I was blessed with the three I had, but was I ready to accept that I could never do it again?  I know it seems dark, but my friends were so supportive!  They came over and trashed the large supply of feminine products, and we partied over no more periods with  Cosmo’s!  I mean that was the proper thing to do!  Little did I know how bad the surgeries, yes plural, would go.  I can’t even think about that in this chapter because it just makes me so MAD!  How many more band-aid fixes for internal bleeding, blood transfusions, and passing out cold would it take to make these physicians and surgeons scratch their heads and say, hummm…..maybe it’s something else?  Do normal people just develop big cysts on their ovaries that burst into a fiery inferno?  I mean on a regular basis! I just remember being so tired.

The worst part was that I was doing EVERYTHING to get my life in order.  I don’t know that I was doing it all to completion of great results, but I was doing it.  I was constantly feeling guilty over not giving everything 100% of my attention.  I was in extreme pain two weeks out of the month!  My maternal grandmother, my MeMa was the only one who understood.  She didn’t tell me it would get better, she didn’t tell me don’t take the pain medication, she didn’t do anything but listen and tell me how much she loved me, how much she believed in me.  It makes me want to cry because she is gone.  I loved her so much!  It’s times like this when I’ve been up for 20 hours, met a deadline and am now posting my blog, the finish line in sight, I can hear her saying I believe in you, I know you can do it!  So, now I am doing it!


I also remember the guilt.  The guilt I put on myself seeing the worry in my children’s eye’s, why is Mommy sick again?  My ex was a fantastic help and graciously offered to keep them extra time while I was hospitalized for ten days over a procedure that the Doctor’s said would only be 48 hours.  Obviously, my Mom helped with my boys and even took me to our river home so I could rest and get the pain under control.  I was so exhausted I slept most of the time but she really took care of me, feed me, and made sure I was comfortable.  Thank you, Mom, for always loving me so much.  I have scared you so many times.  Again, the guilt, of putting the people you love the most through so much worry was the harder than the 18+ belly surgeries.  My oldest son, my hero, always by my side.  Our love was the strongest of all.

Fret not, dear readers, our fair maiden gets through it, fights through it, and picks herself up and get’s moving.  In this chapter we are introduced to my mentor, I have always looked up to Giraffe’s. This great leader and ultimate motivator of starting my own business has not been given his release yet, but I’m sure he will.  This great writer will probably endorse the book!  He has a great amount of power, and he was about to meet his new project.  Pay it forward if you can in your life.  It always comes back.  I’m a walking talking example of it.

Moving on…Oh the places we will go!


I am pleased to report that I have finally picked up some momentum and we may see this book before 2017!  I’m only joking.  I do think we will meet the 2/2015 deadline, however, I doubt the marketing and everything that must be done happens on time due to our ski trip out West in February so we are looking at a release date of March 2015.  I know everyone keeps asking and it is nice that friends and family are thinking of me – but the pressure is building!  There are times when I’m just at a loss for words.  Hello, Ghostwriter?  She does remind me that this is my story, my life, my desire to educate others in navigating through our healthcare system, and hopefully the reader hears my voice, and not hers.  I’m on board with that, however honestly there are days that I am staring at the screen!  I like to think I can be comical in the telling of this story.  Do I think I will be the next James Patterson?  No, at this point I’d settle for Dr. Seuss!

I do believe with a passion that my life is better given this experience.  Although re-living it is hard, it does serve a purpose!  My family and I are so much closer than we have ever been, and I feel so fulfilled as a wife, mother, daughter, sister, aunt, grandmother and friend.  It is the best feeling to be present in life, to love, to laugh and to give back to those who have given so much to me.  Also, close those doors that just aren’t good for you.  You may have to deal with certain people for business or children the important thing is when it’s over, don’t dwell on it!  It was probably not as great as you built it in your mind anyway, otherwise wouldn’t you still be doing it? “I haven’t got time for the pain”.


For those that a procrastinating fitness, I encourage you to “Just Do It”!  This was the greatest Nike shoe’s slogan.  I know I am in trouble come this Thursday at my weigh-in at my doctor’s office, I did not intend on losing this much weight!  I am eating, this is for sure, I just cut out a lot of the bad foods.  Most of what I eat now is organic fruit, vegetables, protein, and the occasional “good” carbohydrate!  Trust me when I say ladies, nothing tastes as good as thin.  Nothing helps your core, back, and pain levels than just doing the work.  You can believe I’ve tried every way possible to get around it!  The probiotics are a must, nothing makes your belly feel better.

Another thing that most women forget or don’t have the time to do is critical for our self-esteem – TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF AND DO THINGS THAT MAKE YOU FEEL SEXY!  Your body is a wonderland.  Go get your nails done, use the best shampoo and conditioner for healthy shiny hair, wash your make up off every night and moisturize, wear perfume, wear clothes you like and flatter your figure, have lots of sex with your husband, read your favorite book, make a new recipe, make random acts of kindness a habit, SMILE, do some self-reflection every day, and work hard at feeling good about yourself!  No one can do this for you.  Forgive people that have wronged you.  I know this is a tough one, it was very hard for me in some cases, but you will feel better about yourself and about life.  Before you know it you are looking at the leaves changing colors, and bouncing around to HAPPY music!  Carly Simon, Nobody does it better, makes me think of my husband!  Baby, Baby, your the best!


I got a bad cold this weekend and ran a fever the last few days….YUCK.  I can no longer stand just laying around!  What has happened to me?  LOL…. I got grumpy.  I snapped at the EX for something really stupid, and I pouted!  After putting to bed Chapter five and six of the book, I instantly felt better.  Fever?  Gone!  I am realizing what is happening to me, I have taken on so many healthy habits that I was actually angry I couldn’t exercise or get things done.  Not half done and depending on someone else as existed in the past, but doing it all by myself!  It’s so tempting to put the mask back on, and self-discipline has never really been my thing. However, our masked Princess will prevail, don’t worry she will again “if given the choice to sit it out or dance?”  She will dance and drag as many people to the dance floor as she can!

Keep the e-mails coming…so awesome to hear your stories!

Chapter 5 is an approved wrap!


How many of you have had to re-live things in your life that were OK, good, great, terrible, horrifying, and yet you might feel like maybe you were your best self during some of that time?  If you can’t handle it, don’t write a book because you will re-live it!  As a young mother of two, when my oldest was in school, my toddler and I would paint, make chair rails with wall paper border, cook, clean, and plant tulips all over the yard.  We lived on a quaint ranch where wild flowers grew abundantly, and the tulip bulbs from Holland made our house look like a fairy tale.


Yes, I did cook.  They may not have been the greatest meals, but I cooked them.  Enrolled my middle son in a Catholic preschool, went to soccer games, stopped at the 7 for a slippery! (aka 7eleven Slurpee)  Young love is fragile, and you are always guessing and wondering if the fairy tale you had always dreamed of was present.  One day I will never forget, I was giving the baby a bath – he LOVED the bath.  He was always splashing and loved the duck wash cloth.  So, needless to say, I looked like a mess with hair everywhere, drenched with water and baby wash when my first love walks in.  He looks at our baby and looks at me and says, “God you’re beautiful“.  I remember turning to kiss him, thinking he never comments on how I look when I try, but here I am a wet mess and this is the moment?  If I could talk to that young girl again, I would tell her life is filled with moments.  Some moments that can seem so simple, are actually the glue that holds everything together.


Do I regret making the choice to leave?  No.  I think you can experience things for a moment, awhile, or a life time.  The knowledge that comes with it helps you make better life choices next time. Or you could know deep inside that there is a part of you that will always need to be a little wild, a little free, and the right person will respect that about you.  That’s real love to me.  Acceptance of the good and bad, whether right or wrong.  This is your hero.  He will save you every time, love you, understand every part of you.  He will make everything okay.  He will help you figure out who you really are, which is the greatest gift of all.  Then it will be okay for our princess to put the mask back on once and awhile. After all, who doesn’t love a little mystery?

New wardrobe a plus, being in pain sucks….

This is not necessarily how our “mask girl” ends up so it’s okay to share!  I love the workouts, they are saving my life. I am happy to report many positive changes.  There is one thing that is so hard…. getting hurt…


I feel as if I am doing great with cardio;  my core, however, has put me down TWICE this month.  I may need a refresher course from the PT.  I am not one for white knuckling pain.  Fortunately for me, a GREAT team of physicians surrounds my every move!  Especially Dr. Smith, he is the absolute greatest! He helps me remember.  I have no clue how he does this, but it always comes back in his space.

Girls and guys…..working out and having a great body is fantastic.  Do yourselves a favor!  Do not go out and get all inked up.  It’s gross, and you will age, and it will look like wrinkly whatever!


Take it from the GREAT Dr. T, and judge crowd – you show your level of class by doing this!  They are also VERY expensive and painful to remove.  Ask DavisGains@embreyd….. I expect to get bashed on this one.  That’s ok!  Just my thoughts!


An idea comes to mind….way to late at night….but hey, these do not come often enough!!!

Short but sweet….

Imagine waking up and remembering things that you thought were lost forever?  This happened to me tonight.  I know this is way past my Sunday midnight duty, but a busy weekend was had.  If I have any hopes of finishing this book before 2016, I guessed I should just go for it.  For those that don’t know, this blog is just a peek at what’s to come.


When I was young I took life for granted and thought I would marry the man of my dreams, have children and become a wife and a mother.  When I actually became these things I wanted more.  I wanted a career, a business of my own, a life I controlled, and I proceeded on that path. I knew I needed a partner as ambitious as I was.  That didn’t happen until I met Dr. T.  I wondered how can this man who is so far past my age, intelligence and worldly wisdom want me?  Being so self-destructive at the time, I tried my best to unknowingly sabotage the relationship at every turn.  I was still young, wild, heart broken, and ill that I had no clue who I was.  I wish I could tell a story that it all came to me overnight and poof, like magic and impulsive desire.  It actually came after two and a half years of dating, and three years of marriage when my life was saved in every sense of the word.  Like tonight, I woke up.  After a pity party regretting all the time I had wasted, the going got tough and the fighter in me got going!

I’m writing this because my middle son at 18 is lost at love, and what he wants to do with his life.  After all the pressure and trying to control him and motivate him to decide what he was going to do with his life, I realized he’s just like me.  He’s actually better than me, because he admits that he just doesn’t know!  So now my outlook on it has changed.  I want him to find himself first.  I want him to strap on a back pack and be fearless in traveling into the unknown.  As many of you know, I had a struggle with an illness that didn’t have a name.  He doesn’t.  It’s a hereditary disease, he has been tested for and although he may be a carrier, the disease is not active in his blood.  This is such an amazing gift he has received but doesn’t fully understand the value of it.  My sweet dreams tonight, and my prayers are for him to spread his wings and fly!  He is a beautiful soul.  He wears his heart on his sleeve, like me.  Every mother wants the very best for their children, and I am no different.  I finally woke up and now I understand him.


What will I do with this new found knowledge?  What will I say?  For the first time in a long time, I’m not going to say anything.  I am going to listen.  Hopefully I won’t be alone in this.  His Father, my former husband, and best friend ironically opened his eyes at the same time I did.  I think our unbreakable bond that has been broken, and struggled over the years has returned and we are not alone in parenting anymore.  Better late than never.  Hopefully, in the words of a very wise woman who said to me about our sons,”the sibling bond between you and my son is important.  These brothers will forever be bound to us and through that bond wonderful things can happen”.

Perhaps that is the starting point.  Unconditional love, acceptance, and faith that will carry our very different boys, can also help us to guide them both back to each other and to learn from one another.  My mentor in business and in life always told me when you stop listening and learning you can no longer lead and will be forced to follow.  With both of us finally wake with our eyes wide open are doing this for ourselves.  Tomorrow is a new day, and a new beginning to love our son through this difficult time by listening, learning and when he comes to the fork in the road, love him even more so he will no longer be lost, and pick the right path.  We will cheer him on, and help pick him up if he falls down, like Saturday’s soccer game with his brother.  I’m sorry he wasn’t there to see it, but I would be willing to bet he heard about it and smiled.  That’s a start for me to begin to unveil who I really am, and without the mask, he will see the love I have for him and the tears of joy in my eyes.  I’m sorry I fell asleep for awhile, but I’m here now.  Let us both love you and hold you tight as we first started to the very second you were put in our arms.  We do love you so much, Cody.


That’s all I can do for now.

Writing boot camp for dummies….including myself!

There is no way to describe how hard of an experience writing this book has been.  It is forever two steps forward and two steps back.  As a former magazine publisher and current owner of a marketing company when I was given this opportunity I jumped at it!  I had studied several options such as self-publishing, getting signed by a publishing company or a combination of both.  Ultimately when I made it to the third interview with a reputation of solid publishing, unlimited marketing, a retainer, and all the bells and whistles I was so honored that I said, “sign me up”!


I have a unique story to tell about a hereditary disease that has plagued my entire life, and now at least I have some answers!  No immediate cures for me in sight, but answers.  My consulting firm was able to be successful because healthcare is a hot topic right now and coupled with my magazine, MD News, I was suddenly the expert that I knew nothing about!  A small obstacle, right?  In my mission to get answers about not only my body, I needed to find out what had happened to my mind.

This journey began Wednesday, March 26, 2014, with a trained Neurologist. I went through four hours of testing.  The results were given to me by a brilliant doctor who had studied my very complex medical history, and now my mind.  I remember sitting in his office thinking why does he now have a new female doctor in the room?


What I was about to hear was going to rock my world and I guess the female was there for additional support.  Without revealing too much I was told I had four different diseases of the mind.  As they began to explain why I feel and do the things I do, as well as clinical answers for short-term memory loss, I put my hands in my head and just cried.  I do not play the victim role well.  The Neurologist said he knew I had the means to take a year off, and for the first time in my 42 years make it my mission to find a plan with the help of a long time, very trusted primary care physician who had always been my centerpiece and juggled all the specialists I now require.  With only one child left at home to raise through High School maybe this was the right time.  I would like to tell you I jumped on it like white on rice, but I didn’t.  I was ashamed.  What would people think?  How can you keep the mask on to protect your husband, the love of your life, the man that recognized the symptoms and ultimately saved my life?  The blood disease was bad enough.  The horrific bouts of pain were bad enough.  The fact that every disposable part of my body had been removed was bad enough.  How could I go home and show him this report?


I really still didn’t understand all of it.  To me, it was like – Dear Dr. T we regret to tell you that your wife has gone crazy, but good news we now know what it is!!!!  I had to have a plan, so I just started writing.  Writing about how hard it is to laugh, smile, and be the person I am supposed to be without angry.  Oh, yes, I am furious.  I wanted blood from every surgeon that put me under the knife just to put a band-aid the problem and not find a solution.  I was mad as hell at my family for not putting on their thinking caps and questioning these doctors and surgeons as to why this keeps happening?  I was tired, exhausted in the interim of these surgeries at low blood levels and extreme fatigue, but I still did my job as a wife, a mother, a business woman, a big sister, and a daughter.  All these years I had blamed myself for being a procrastinator and lazy.  Looking back on it and in the positive words of the neurologist, I was a fighter, giving up cdd2A43was not an option, and with the use of only 30 percent of my brain I had accomplished a lot, and I was smarter than I ever dreamed I was.

Was writing a book really taking a year off?  Was being under the extreme pressures of deadlines, and red lined word documents taking a year off?  No, it’s not.  What plan could I put together to produce a schedule that would allow me a strict diet, a strict exercise routine, a strict rest period, and still raise my youngest son, be a good wife to the man I adore who does save lives in his career?  I still didn’t know.  However, my extensive background in pharmacy would be the first step.