Girl Code – The basic guidelines, for women who don’t get it!

I’ve decided that in some of these blogs I’m going to set the mood with a little music!  Everyone feels better once having their groove on, and it will lessen the blow of this blog.  BTW, I have actually done this so that’s why I find this one hysterical!

I SO do THIS!  Every girl should!  Music lifts your soul!

 

Girl code can be different for different types of women.  So, in the spirit of true honesty and reflection, I am going to tell you how it is.  I understand many may disagree.  I understand that some may think my point of view is biased.  If you are truly honest with yourself, you will know what category you fit into, so own it and maybe take some action if you can.

The confident, pretty girl, with a good heart – 

You’re the girl that has either been converted, or it you were very lucky – You were just born that way.  You’re the type of girl that is not intimidated if another girl has a better car, better job, better husband, better hair…..you name it!  You are the girls champion, cheerleader, good listener, and best of all you have a great heart!  You won’t tell everyone’s secrets, you won’t make another feel stupid even if she isn’t as smart as you.  If you screw up – you say you’re sorry with empathy and you mean it!  If someone makes a mistake against you, and they apologise – all is forgiven.  You are the real deal.

You don’t take it to heart when the haters attack.  You’ve worked hard for your job, money, great body, or whatever it is!  It doesn’t mean you won’t bleed, it doesn’t mean some things said don’t sting, it just means you are able to rise above it. You’re not a shrinking violet, and you will speak your mind, but you will try to always do it in the right way.

The self-righteous girl –

This is your know it all!  She can be a good friend, but she will judge you, and if given a pedestal to speak she will tell others their issues too!  She wants to be that cool girl, she may even look the part, but BEWARE you are only her friend when she has something to gain.  The second your in need – she’s out!  She cares about number one only!  It is okay to think about number one first, that’s normal.  However the self-righteous girl not only thinks of herself first, she believes she is better than the rest of the pack, and if the wind blows she’s off in another direction.

The Drama girl – 

Her life is filled with drama, some created by herself, some not.  She thrives on drama to the point that she actually injures herself and anyone else she can take down with her!  Keep this one at arms length. You don’t know the burning force behind the drama and rapidly changing friends.  Perhaps it is an age thing or it is situational.  Offer this girl an ear.  If she speaks only of other people you know and their business, pay the check and get it out!  She will be speaking this way about you next.  If she speaks of hard times, illness or personal struggle don’t label her as the DRAMA QUEEN, it could be she just really needs someone to listen and to give a crap about her.  The situational drama girl can turn into the confident pretty girl with the right tools.  Don’t befriend her immediately, keep her at arms length and see how it works out.  You will either be surprised, or she will be talking the same trash a year later, in which case, exit stage left.

The Victim – 

Nothing is EVER her fault.  She is exhausting to be around.  She would not utter the words I’m sorry, I take responsibility, in this lifetime – EVER!  The world has done her wrong and everyone must run to her rescue every time something goes wrong or you will be considered thoughtless and inconsiderate.  She does not work or have career ambition.  She constantly has money problems and will use her sad story to extort money from you.  Stay away from this one.  Victims don’t change unless they are forced too.  The hand out stops, and people are just plain tired of hearing their is nothing she can do to better her situation.

The Guy’s girl – 

I have more or less changed my mind recently on this girl.  I used to think, if she doesn’t have any close girlfriends and if she adapts to whatever the guys do easier than the girls, RUN!  This usually means she cannot be trusted with your friendship, your husband, your dog – you name it.  I still basically feel the same with some conditions.  If this is the girl that only hangs out with the guys, does not know herself so she adapts herself to whatever he’s doing, it could be because she has been really burnt in the past by women and has had a friend or two that are all about the drama and coupled with a possible childhood tragedy, guys are just easier.  They won’t make you talk about it, they won’t need to know how your feeling, they will just hang out.  They will all try and get into your pants as well, but most guys girl’s already have the guy, and want to keep their guy friends so they won’t sleep with them.  Try and be a good friend to this girl.  Chances are she does need a female friend, she just needs to trust you first.

I hope this helps the girl who needs the girlfriends guide to figuring out girl relationships!

– The Mask of the Doctors Wife!

The release of your pain…

First of all let me say Happy Mother’s Day to all the GREAT Mom’s out there!  I have three VERY different boys and I love that I know what is in their hearts and can read them so well.  Congrats to all of the great Mother’s out there who sacrifice so much, including my own!  I love you Mom, Happy Mother’s Day!

I do not normally watch the Real Housewives of Atlanta.  I confess I do like Beverly Hills, and New York City, mostly because I can really relate to some of them.  Tonight, I tuned into the wrap up of Atlanta when NeNe Leaks breaks down over her Mother leaving her and has to leave the set.  Wow, I was feeling those tears.  I have always suspected she may have some abandonment issues due to her fierce survival skills, and her fiery temper.  I wondered if she had ever sought counseling or help for these issues.  There is a difference between telling the story, and really getting the help you need to move on.  A very big difference.  What I have learned is that until you really go through the stages of that grief, you will never fully be free of it.

Having said that.  When I first began this journey with my Ghostwriter I gave her some things that I absolutely would not discuss.  My family was one of them.  I also told my awesome Ph.D. who was helping me with these issues that I would never discuss certain things.  NEVER.  Slowly after seeing him for over a year he started to pull it out of me.  We had one session, that I sobbed like a baby and confessed things I never thought would leave my lips.  It had to have been the hardest day of my life.  I came home so physically and emotionally drained, paralyzed, I couldn’t make it from the garage to my bedroom fast enough.

As a Mother, you naturally don’t want to let your children see you in pain, physical or emotional.  I carry a great deal of guilt about the fact that I know they have.  I know they understand my medical condition, and that it concerns them.  What they don’t know is that I feel each of them so deeply.  When my oldest was in Afghanistan, I cried every day in the shower, most times so my youngest child would not hear me.  Everyone kept saying, he’s well-trained he will be fine.  There is just something in your gut that tells you it’s not going to be fine.  I knew it was only a matter of time when I would get the call that he was hurt.  That call came ironically, when I was in the hospital being diagnosed for my blood disease, being told it was Hereditary and to have my children tested.  There was something in me that just knew.  I could describe different experiences with each of my children where my gut was screaming at me, there is something wrong.  Some of the things I was able to help ease the pain with, some not.  It is why I carried a great deal of resentment in my own situation, because I felt my parents should just know.  That is not always the case.  Especially when I was the child who gave half-truths, and didn’t tell it all for fear of the shame it would cause my family.

What I have learned. –

Much like the steps of a treatment program, there is a process.  I thought I had beat my past because I was successful, I was a survivor, nothing could keep me down, I would be the one to beat it, and did not need to talk about it or deal with it. Those things were for people who play the victim, and I was no victim.  Hell NO.  I would not be kept down for long if I fell.

This strategy only works for so long before you become screwed up beyond all recognition of yourself and are desperate to unlock the closed-door and use REAL bravery to step inside and DEAL with it.  It takes courage beyond any business deal, and any other situation where you have put on your “mask” smiled sweetly and said there is nothing wrong with me, I am normal like everyone else.  Except, I wasn’t.

I was on a mission to fight physical pain and overcome health obstacles with diet, exercise, and a cleaner way of life.  I began that process a year ago.  Here is the trick, you can only go so far with that before you mind starts haunting you at night and in your dreams.  It’s there, you know it’s there, do you have the courage to let it out and go through the process? It resembles a death, a tragedy, that must be taken seriously in order to effectively move on.  So, I knew I had too.

The breakdown at my Doctor’s office was long overdue and I’m not sure that I have ever cried like that before.  I know I have never been so honest about it.  Slogans like, it’s in the past, it was so long ago, I’m over it, and I can handle anything had become my crutches.  I had many people handing me those crutches and saying, you are such a survivor, look at all the medical drama you have been through, the success that has been had, and you have made it!  Had I really?  No.

“Sperm Donor” as he is referred to in the book is my biological Father.  It does not matter if you had the greatest step-father on the planet, the abandonment issues caused by him amongst other things, had left a very real, very deep scar, and one that couldn’t be wished away.  I cannot count the times he told me he didn’t love me.  I cannot count the times he said he wished my Mother had aborted me.  I cannot count the times I would call or write when he just would not respond.  I was like a desperate stalking girlfriend in those years.  He was so bad for me, but yet, I sought his approval and love above all else.  When I couldn’t get his attention with good behavior, I became bad, when he would call me and scream horrible things at me, I felt I deserved them and would often beg his forgiveness. It is very painful to remember the stakes I would go to obtain his love.  It’s embarrassing, and is very much like a battered wife who keeps going back for more!

Cutting him out of my life was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.  When I think of the mistakes I have made as a Mother, I can honestly say it pales in comparison, and I would never inflict that kind of pain on them.  NEVER.  So, why would I not try to clean up the mess of the past to become a complete person?  Why would I deprive myself of something that needed to be resolved so I could move on?  Shame, fear, intimidation, being totally exposed as not being perfect, and worried about what other people might think of what I allowed to happen.  I had already been told it was my fault so many times that I believed it was.  Looking back on it, How could it have been my fault?  I was a child, he was the grown up!  He ripped away my self-esteem and an entire side of my family that I thought loved me.  That’s pretty darn rough for a sixteen year old to be disowned by her Father and then by his entire side of his family.  The scars, the night terrors, the running away, the hiding, and everything I did as a child to somehow cope.  I even tried to cut off other family members who were very good to me because I had to stop the bleeding.  If I cut them off first, they couldn’t hurt me.  Little did I know, it just doesn’t work that way.

I would show him, I would become someone, I would make a name for myself and I would survive!  Well, I did survive, but not without a price.  It’s a big price to pay!  It comes to you when you least want it, in your dreams, flashbacks in the shower, certain smells, certain songs on the radio, and even certain people who remind you of it without knowing it was a reminder.

I’m still processing and going through the stages of grief that paralyzed me for so long.  The difference is today, being stronger in mind and body, and having an awesome support system gets me through it.  I honestly believe if I hadn’t had that breakdown in the Doctor’s office that day, and if I had not been forced to discuss it and face it, I would never fully be capable of being whole and inspiring others to find their own selves and their voice.  Anything worth doing is worth doing well.  I have tried every other possible way and believe me, it just doesn’t work without the WORK.

Mrs. Leaks – Thank you for your courage, thank you for opening the book.  I think your true friends saw the real you and were better able to understand why you cut people off before they can hurt you.  I think you also showed that by revealing your emotions, women who have been through similar things rushed to your side in Sisterhood.  I am lucky enough to have the same Sisters on my side to cheer me on, to wipe tears, to listen, that do not hold me in judgement but respect me for my strength.  Then it’s time to pay it forward, forgiveness of yourself first is key, and then forgive others.  Some are truly lost souls who do not know what they do.  Missing out on your child growing up and missing out on beautiful grandchildren is their price that they are paying.  Their justifications, rationalizations, and any other thing they tell themselves are the same as the lies we told to ourselves that we are okay with it.  True survivors know when it’s time to pay the piper, trust again, forgive, pay it forward and most importantly MOVE forward.  Be proud that you demonstrated even the strongest of women are not always strong and need that helping hand to pull them up.  Grab that hand and be grateful you did!

ST

The Mask of the Doctor’s Wife

How to pick your Husband…Trust me, I have experience on this…

After doing it the wrong way a few times, okay several times, here is my two cents and what I have learned.

The EARLY Years – Pick the Good kinda goofy,sort of good looking, BUT selfish guy.  You want out of your current situation right?  NO!  You only think you do.  Your nineteen years old, get a job, go to school, but don’t get pregnant and marry this guy.  He is building HIS career, and you will be home alone raising a baby by yourself!  Avoid this at all costs!  Tip– Birth control does not work when you are on antibiotics for strep-throat!  This guy or any guy is not the guy you are going to spend your life with!  I know I will get emails saying I did this and it worked out great!  Okay, if it worked out great than send me your joint tax return and we shall see how great it is!  This guy is usually a control freak!  He only loves you when you are barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen, try and get a job and see what happens.  He does not want to “babysit”?  Babysit?  Is it called that if this is your child too?  How to get out – Call your Mother.  If she says you can come home, don’t wait for her to change her mind, start packing your bags, tell Flyboy (aka – in The Mask of the Doctor’s Wife) you’re out of here!  Go home and move on to your next mistake.

The Bad Boy – (still the early years) –

The bad boy is fun!  He is cool!  He doesn’t have a Driver’s license!  How great, now you get to drive him everywhere including his ASAP classes, school, work, wherever, and you will love doing that in his cool car with broken door handles.  Hey, climbing in from the other side is good exercise right?  No, clearly not, but you can CHANGE him.  You are so good that he will desperately want to change his bad boy ways and will no longer smoke dope and play video games.  You love cleaning up after him, and your baby!  He probably does love the baby.  Babies are easy to love.  More to the point, does he love you?  Are you sure?  Will he take care of you and the baby if you get sick?  Are you supporting him while he finishes college and gets his career?  If answered YES to that last question, don’t walk, RUN!  You don’t know this yet, but until you value YOU, nobody else is going to either.

Sure, have fun with the bad boy!  Have cocktails, smoke his weed, and enjoy life a bit.  Don’t fall in love, don’t have his babies, don’t make excuses for him as to WHY he never thinks of you before himself, and for God’s sake don’t enable the laziness, clean up after him, and let him bump around life while you are trying to have a REAL life.  He won’t change unless he is forced too, and if you are in nice girl mode (I was, in the early years) he will always take advantage because he has YOU, he knows you will take care of it for him. He won’t have a true career and ambition until something ROCKS his world.  What probably rocks his world is another woman that is NOT always nagging him to pick up his underwear, take a shower and brush his teeth EVERY DAY, make up the bed, put your dishes in the dishwasher, etc…etc…etc… Great way to end up exhausted. This guy is fantastic for a one night stand, put him in that category and KEEP him THERE.

Your Husband, the real, the true LOVE of your life –

Is preferably older than you by more than five years.  Men lack the emotional development that women naturally have.  You want an emotional equal.  You want a grown up.  No video games for this guy, he outgrew those years ago.  He has hobbies!  By this time you no longer wish to be glued to your man 24/7, you want him to have other things to do!  He has a career, not a JOB.  At this point I would highly recommend a background check and his last five year’s of tax returns.  If all goes well with that, this MIGHT be your guy!  At this point you have more or less figured yourself out, if you haven’t no worries, you are the prize – he will help you figure it out!  What else does he need?  Notice I said need, not want, he needs to understand that you are valuable, a treasure, a once Princess but now a Queen in the making.  It is important he knows that even though you are not going to try and change him, you might try and train him.  Tip – Don’t say the last part out loud! If this is the guy all this will happen naturally.  You’ll say, I’m hot – he will get out of bed and turn up the ceiling fan!  You will say, I’m tired – he will let you take a nap!  You will say, the new Coach Bag is out – he will give it to you for St. Patrick’s Day!  (side note –  you do not have to be Irish or Religious, however, all holidays must be celebrated)

This guy won’t need to brag about himself or his life it speaks for itself!  You won’t need to worry about where he is all the time.  You know exactly where he is.  You should reciprocate this.  He wants you, and he will get jealous.  This is okay, at least he remembers your Birthday!  Seriously any dude that is not a bit jealous is just not that into you!  Here are some tips to stroke his alter ego without appearing obvious – 1.  Wow Baby you look so good, have you lost weight?  2.  You screwed in that light bulb with no instructions or anything, I love you!  3.  I loved the breakfast biscuit and coffee your brought me in bed this morning!  You are always so considerate.  4.  The ski trip to Vail was so awesome, you are the most amazing skier I have ever seen!  You have the greatest taste in picking these places out!  5.  I know you love my hair a curly mess or either put up so for date night, I am wearing it up just for you!  6.  The way you managed the contractor’s and the renovations on our home was pure genius, I love that my feet don’t get cold on the heated floor in the new (Princess) bathroom, Thanks for thinking of it.  (Doesn’t matter that you mentioned it 800 times, it was HIS idea)

He votes Republican, he loves your laugh and will do just about anything to hear it.  He REALLY thinks you look gorgeous first thing in the morning with messy hair, and no makeup!  He looks forward to, and actually PLANS date night.  He has a brain and will teach you all kinds of new things.  He loves your parents and your family. He loves the dogs, and doesn’t mind caring for them.  Kids?  He will love yours but understand the boundaries of the word Step-Father.  This is YOUR guy!  Forget the mistakes of the past and if your pathway has not been yet found?  Find it with reassurance that he will love you no matter what.  There is a calmness in this.  Drama is for kids!

Hope you enjoyed this as much as I loved writing it.

ST-

aka…Happy…Mask of the Doctor’s Wife

Pain Expert Dr. David Schechter

http://www.PodcastOne.com/pg/jsp/program/episode.jsp?programID=582&pid=502567#.VUC1gB6n1B8.twitter

Please highlight the above and go to podcast, if this will not allow you to click through!

Please listen to the above link!  I really believe in this mind over your body therapy!   In the beginning of my journey, being inoperable, I started out by exercising like mad to strengthen to lower back with cardio and eliminated my belly, then I pushed even more with core work, and I lost a ton of weight.  In fact, I lost way too much weight.  I am trying to gain back a few pounds with more strength training, and muscle-building.  I do feel somewhat better, and I am definitely stronger than I have ever been.  Did the pain magically go away?  No.  Did I hurt myself in the process?  Yes, many times.  What was my next step?  I thought I must be doing some of the exercises wrong, so maybe I need a refresher course in physical therapy?  Probably, however with my issue, my pain is very real, I do have episodes of acute pain, and chronic pain.  We can all review the MRI or read up on herniated disc’s or degenerative disc disease.  All true in my case.

I had not heard of this therapy or read Dr. Schechter’s book.  I had however made up my mind that I was going to beat it.  Somehow, someway, I was going to beat it!  I started seeing an excellent Neurologist, coupled with an amazing Ph.D.  I began weekly therapy.  SLOWLY, I am able to use the mind/body therapy.  I was not aware until I heard this podcast that this is what I was actually doing.  My process has taken over a year of self discovery and knowing I could reach my full potential. Do I always succeed?  No.  I am always re-inventing new ways to distract myself from the pain.  This Doctor talks about journalism, I am writing a book!  This Doctor talks about hobbies, I now have them!  Getting healthy does not happen overnight.  You will go back and forth for the first year, potentially longer if you are totally changing your mind and dealing with a painful past that will physically hurt!  My therapies are very limited due to the blood disease.  No Advil or anti-inflammatories for me, no acupuncture for me, no creams that contain certain ingredients for me, and even with my healthy changes there are still going to be situations that are really rough for me.  Long plane trips, long car rides, long sessions of sitting, and long nights of writing or lack of sleep.  I try to stay away from these things as much as I possibly can, when I do have to do these things without question I will pop the pill.  However, it is not the norm as it used to be in the past.

Listen to this Doctor and his mind over body therapy!  It definitely works when you are able to use it along with a healthy lifestyle, diet, exercise, and journalism.  I do not believe in suffering when it becomes extremely acute, but I do believe it can happen with everyday life.  I also believe if you are dealing with your emotions and have a good connected physician team you can feel a lot better!  Just try it!  You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.  Trust me, I have tried every shortcut there is, sometimes you just have to do the work. 🙂

ST

aka….Mask of the Doctor’s Wife!