Jingle Bell Rock!

I had the greatest time with my younger son shopping, singing, eating dinner together and just getting to spend time with him.  This time is so precious that I want to make the most of it.  He being a teenager, will have some fun with Mom, and tolerate certain things, but this is slipping away from us quickly and the importance of Mommy times are becoming less.  Sigh… He is the last one to leave the nest and I wish I could stop the clock!

How can someone feel so blessed and so tortured at one time?  I’m not sure.  All I know is that it takes patience and time to overcome injuries and accept your limitations and what is right for you, versus what you want to be able to do.  I’ve never been good at the whole waiting thing, and I pray for the strength to make it through another Holiday season!  I guess when you have had what seemed like the most perfect Christmas’s in the world that is allot of pressure to put on yourself!

My hope is everyone’s Christmas is filled with joy and love.  it’s never all about the gifts under the tree, but the time you get to spend with the people you cherish.

Merry Christmas 2013!  See you in moving forward with the book in the New Year, I just don’t know which NEW YEAR!  Hopefully by 2016?  It was crazy talk to think this could be done in a year!  It took me a full year to start getting my brain back!  Happy New Year anyway!

XOXO, Stephanie

I am keeping my promise…..NOT PG 13….R rated….

It’s 3:40 a.m. and I will be shortly snuggled up to that man I love so much, but I alluded to the difference between young love, and mature love and had to write this while still very fresh in my mind, heart, body and soul.

Young love is great, passionate, heart breaking, brutal, but remains sweet until you realize that your just not that person anymore.  Then what?  If you are a normal person (I’m not) you may stick it out hoping for the best, working on doing things better, seeking professional help……or whatever it is that a normal person does.  For me, being an older soul in a younger body, when it’s done, it’s done.  I’m not going to lie and say I wouldn’t test the water again to be 100% certain, but I usually am right.  I’ve done this it’s just to confirm what my soul already knows.  Plus, being a girl of grand illusion, I may build something bigger in my mind than what it truly is, and as I’ve said before, test the water just to be sure.  Ultimately, my gut is usually always right and that door closes quickly once I DECIDE, I’m done.

My husband, my hero, my lover, my hunter, my pro golfer, my EVERYTHING….will always win.  He knows this to be true and really understands me, so I can just relax and be the woman I am now, and the woman I was always meant to be.  This does not happen overnight.  This is what I am referring to when I talk about mature, true love, something that every woman hides deep in her soul, but the right man will eventually see all of it.

Take an evening like tonight.  My youngest love tucked away safely with my oldest love, so I can be free to let me hair down and just move out of Mommy mode, into sexy adult wife mode, which truth be told, is AWESOME.  So, he comes home from hunting, I’ve taken a writing, “ME” day, so when I hear him pull into the garage, my heart starts to beat faster, and I am ready for him.  The one thing I have learned about this amazing man is he prefers the natural me, to the done up me.  This is refreshing girls, if this mans tells you that, you he means it.  You are somewhat of a natural beauty (ok, minus the yearly Botox), so it’s not hard work.  A daily bath/shower, his favorite perfume, a sonic toothbrush, (if you don’t have this….search the internet and get it at a reasonable price, a healthy white smile is gorgeous with no makeup at all)  run your brush through that long hair he loves once – and throw you hair up into a pony tail/bun (he wants to see your face), and throw on your casual jeans, and that t-shirt/long or short depending on weather over that girl next door underwear and matching UNLINED, but under wire bra and you are ready to go.  A little lip gloss, and be the YOU that he loves. He will love being that man who walks into the door to that lazy purring cat that is so comfortable in her own skin.

He suggests taking you out to casual dinner after visiting with a friend or two, you agree knowing he will never make it to the restaurant after the friend’s house, so don’t even worry that you’re not done up enough for this occasion. In my case there is no harm in casual flirting with his friend, because he is only two years younger than your Dad and a married man, so no harm, but great reward for you if you can pull it off.  I  believe that any man, despite age or profession, loves to show off that wife of his.  Yes, a bonus if she is 16 years younger, but every man loves that, and every man is drawn to a woman who is confident and can hold her own.   So, just do it.  Shy girls in the corner even if she is a real knockout will quickly be tossed aside for one that can engage, be smart, funny, and above all else pretend to be really interested in what they have going on.  Ask questions, appear intrigued, and do it knowing your husband is watching.

So, after the friend visit which is only supposed to last 3o minutes, turns into 2 hours and three cocktails, you are ready to reel him in like the fish he catches.  Peanuts with the cocktails, and left over pizza when you come home is a great night and pretty easy on the waist line.  Here comes the R rated version, kids go to bed, turn off the internet, and if I catch you reading this, suddenly my blog will become blocked from your computer.  Besides, what teenager wants to hear about a marriage with a 58-year-old husband?  Hang on to this until your 30’s and you will understand it and appreciate it.  So, back to the evening, nightcap?  Sure.  Just because you are married, doesn’t mean your dead, and this was the topic of conversation at our friends house that made my husband squirm.  Our friend was going on about his important, meaningful work….this just baffles me.  My parents are slowing down, enjoying each other and my Mother seems very happy with that.  Okay, so maybe one could argue that even at our age, it is still too soon to be semi-retired.  However, even those with the busiest schedules, MUST make time for this.   My husband was squirming because we are having fun, we are slowing down, and I am PROUD of that.  He is still trying to compete on the play ground which is just bonkers because every Doctor’s wife knows, especially ones that deal with real life or death trauma, you cannot keep up that pace forever.  So, back to the subject at hand.  Nightcap poured, and it’s time to slip into something more comfortable, our “soft clothes”.  Again, this will not make the Victoria’s Secret catalog, but men who still want that wife bad, will not care.  Women who are smart, will make it look effortless. Toothbrush again, pull the hair down, one swipe with the hairbrush, a tank top or light weight t-shirt (bye to the bra) and PJ pants or weather depending, girly boxer shorts and you are ready.  Notice I say light t-shirt?  I don’t care if you are a size A or a triple D bust this is going to get his attention.  I have always been very affectionate.  Not slutty, but affectionate.  On the couch put your legs over his, or caress his hand, a kiss or two on the neck won’t hurt either…..Let him talk.  You (I) always do, so him sharing something with you, no matter what it is, will be important.  While sipping that nightcap and listening rub leg, entwine your feet, but make physical contact.  In no time long, you will be making out on the couch and racing to get upstairs.  When getting there, not so fast big boy….if he doesn’t do it or he is brushing his teeth whatever, slip that t-shirt off, slip those pj pants off, pretend to be washing your face or whatever….and let him have a good look.  After this is done, you are golden, pull back the sheets and enjoy the ride…….if your not a writer, or trying to be…GO TO SLEEP wrapped up in that man.  If you are, and your husband is 58, he will be snoring in oh, 10 minutes.  Then grab your water, for God’s sake use the boudeau, do what you must and then cuddle in for the sleep in Saturday.  The glow you will have the next day will be more amazing than any skin cream on the market, and he will be attending to your “honey do list” without you even having to ask.  So, when my girlfriends ask what the difference between young love, and mature love?  Mature love is one that grows greater everyday and makes you the happiest woman on Earth.  Goodnight…..

Not wearing the mask to bed, probably not wearing anything…..the lazy slumber morning has benefits, but that is for another chapter. 🙂

 

 

Christmas is coming, and I refuse to get FAT!

Having a hard time getting into the spirit of things this year!  I think this has to do with so much pressure to do so many things that I feel like a pressure cooker!  Am I writing?  Yes, and no.  I am re-writing, re-writing, and re-writing.  When I first signed on to this journey I felt the need to edit every word and to make it SOUND like me.  My ghostwriter being from an entirely different world had a rough time with this.  Her advice was to keep these blogs as much about ME, and my family so that by the time the book comes out perhaps they remember hearing the name.  I thought the idea was good for a different reason, you will “hopefully” be reading her words, but I insist that you hear my voice and remember the reason why the story was so important to tell.

Hereditary blood diseases can be mean a ton of unnecessary surgeries, it can mean huge fatigue, it can mean death, especially if you are unaware that you have one.  My greatest hope is the book empowers people to behave like blood hounds and take the time to get to know your family medical history.  You would not believe how important a through medical history is, and how much money it will save you if you can put it all together.  Some blood tests are not routine, so in order to identify what is going on, you have to dig deeper and get the help of a really good Hematologist!  If it goes on long enough misdiagnosed as it did for me for YEARS (41 to be exact), you are in serious trouble.  Surgeries that would be considered normal and easy to recover from will not be the same for you.  Complications will happen, you will be extremely fatigued, and your mind will start to go COO COO for COCO Puffs on you!  I remember thinking what the hell is wrong with me?  Why, do I feel like this?  Granted in my particular situation, there was some Neurology that needed to be addressed too, but I couldn’t help but wonder would I have gone to such a dark place mentally and emotionally if I simply had some answers?  I really don’t think I would have.  I am a fighter in the ring, and a cheerleader on the side for others.  Giving up has never been an option, and I wasn’t going to start then or now.

You see when you become a Mother at 19 years old, it’s not all about you anymore.  This fact alone has probably saved my life more than anything else.  When you look at those adorable faces you just can’t think about you first anymore.  There will come a time when that can happen, and if you waited until you finished college, worked at a job or knew yourself first maybe you have the upper hand.  I didn’t.  The honest truth is I had no idea who I was.  I had been wearing the mask so long, I let others figure it out for me.  I didn’t trust myself enough, so I always thought everyone else was right.  It wasn’t until everything was revealed to me that I started on the journey of who is Stephanie?  A rebirth occurred that blew my mind and I was so happy it did!  I think my children would agree with this as well!

Happy Carter is coming in the front door and that’s where I want to be, so, maybe we will finish this chat later.  A thought occurred to me at 1:00 a.m., but I could not drag my tail out of bed or sit up to write about it, but I’m going to so look out!  Young, passionate, let’s never wear clothes love, and responsible adult, secure love.  Is it possible to have both?  I think you will be surprised at what I have to say!

– Wearing the mask this week – Stephanie

Sunday blog deadline! Support our Army warriors, my son is a hero! Girlfriends to a man with kids – this is a MUST READ!

Sunday blog deadline! Support our Army warriors, my son is a hero! Girlfriends to a man with kids – this is a MUST READ!.

Writer’s block – cured? Maybe? Two steps forward!

Short and sweet.  Had taken fitness on to a to new level, and writing mostly at night.  This is BAD.  First of all not nearly enough calories, secondly getting all fired out up at night, leads to memory loss, extreme sleep during the day, NOT good lifestyle living.

Moving forward I will swear to be up by 9am, okay ten at the latest, work out, shower, write for a few hours, and then DONE!  Okay Mom, and I will eat too!

Two steps forward, its all a process!

Sunday blog deadline! Support our Army warriors, my son is a hero! Girlfriends to a man with kids – this is a MUST READ!

The Mask of the Doctor's Wife

I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving!  I know we did.  My Mom and my Sister are the cooking queens, and always make enough for everyone to take something home.  It was amazing!

The VERY best part of Thanksgiving that I am truly grateful for is being able to pick up my oldest son, and seeing him so well.  I am so proud of him and his motivation to move forward.  We should all take a moment to THANK our warriors in the military.  Coming out of that situation is not easy, and it makes me REALLY mad when people don’t treat them with the greatness that they deserve.  They come back with some real problems and are treated so horribly.  If someone had Cancer, you would be supportive?  Support the transition of our hero’s.  Kudo’s to Chickfila for giving him the chance as a manager, and he is rocking…

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Sunday blog deadline! Support our Army warriors, my son is a hero! Girlfriends to a man with kids – this is a MUST READ!

I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving!  I know we did.  My Mom and my Sister are the cooking queens, and always make enough for everyone to take something home.  It was amazing!

The VERY best part of Thanksgiving that I am truly grateful for is being able to pick up my oldest son, and seeing him so well.  I am so proud of him and his motivation to move forward.  We should all take a moment to THANK our warriors in the military.  Coming out of that situation is not easy, and it makes me REALLY mad when people don’t treat them with the greatness that they deserve.  They come back with some real problems and are treated so horribly.  If someone had Cancer, you would be supportive?  Support the transition of our hero’s.  Kudo’s to Chickfila for giving him the chance as a manager, and he is rocking it!  I digress.  Myself and my youngest son picked him up had a wonderful Thanksgiving!  He also always makes me laugh!  We love to laugh together. I digress again.  Unless, you have been through it you will never understand what it is like to have a son in Afghanistan.  I cried almost everyday, especially in the shower not wanting to scare my youngest.  When he got shot, I was in the hospital myself receiving some rather bad news, and I think my heart stopped.  I always try to put on that brave face, and” I can handle anything type attitude”.  Trust me when I say, you cannot tough this out.  You feel so helpless as a Mother.  You feel like your heart will break.  In the book, I go into detail about what it is like to run a marketing business where you are expected to smile, laugh, and wear the mask of the Doctor’s wife.  I kept tissues in my glove box because a song would come on the radio and I would burst into tears.  We had several songs that we would blast on the radio together.  Having him at 19 was rough, but growing up with him created an unbreakable bond that most people just don’t understand.  He was my whole life, and then he was gone.  I remember shortly before he left, after visiting him in Hawaii, getting a letter in the mail from the Army wanting verification of this and that, and mainly I was his sole beneficiary. I lost it.  I cried for three days straight and couldn’t stop crying.  I sent care packages, and notes from his Brother’s.  Wanda at the local post office knew me by name, mostly because I was the only one in the post office line crying.  When he came home for a visit and decided to marry his long time friend and love I was so happy!  My ex….aka….flyboy… (his name in the book) called me and said you have to talk him out of it.  I remember losing it and saying our son almost died and you are worried about him getting married?  I wouldn’t have cared if he came home with an entire group of women!  He walked through the front door and I wrapped my arms around him and cried like the day he was born.  I was so happy.  The visit wasn’t long enough before he had to go back to Hawaii and was eventually(I’m being kind, they took forever, and it was terrible) honorably discharged with a purple heart. So, yes, I was very thankful this Thanksgiving, and will be for the rest of my life.  I won’t lie and say oh he came home and it was all smooth sailing….these things take time, and that’s OK by me.  Time eventually heals all wounds and I could not love him anymore if I tried.

My husband is a wonderful man and a very well respected physician.  I know he felt so helpless during that time.  He didn’t have the bond I did and all he could offer was his arms and his love to try and heal me the best he could.  I was so sick back then with a disease that didn’t have a name, I was still building my business and being successful, being a wife, and trying to raise my other two children still at home at the time.  Everyday was a struggle.  Everyday to get in the shower, prepare meals, raise my youngest who REALLY needed all of me, and unless you have been through this, you have no idea how hard it was.  I was so sick of people telling me, oh – get over it, or he will be fine, or why did he go in the Army instead of college?  I felt such anger, I wanted to punch out anyone who said this crap to me!  As Mothers, sometimes we just feel things about our children.  My gut kept telling me it wouldn’t be OK.  I was so scared all the time that perhaps I was TOO protective of my middle son who was growing up and needed me to start to let go.  I couldn’t.  My baby (now 15), I spent every single second I could with him.  I cuddled him, I did everything for him.  There was nothing he wanted for that I wouldn’t give.  I was taking care of everyone else, but me.

I just kept getting sicker, was in more pain imaginable, and at the time with no real answers than some herniated back disc’s, and degenerative disc disease.  Bring on the pain medication!  My doctor of 15 years put me on a pain management protocol so at a minimum I could handle my business and take care of my family.  He always told me there would come a day when I could concentrate on me, and I could change my diet, go to physical therapy, and really work on my core.  Luckily for me, he knew that day wasn’t right then, and he did everything to see me through it.  What primary care doctor takes a full hour with his patient?  For primary care it is a numbers game in order to make the coin.  He didn’t care, he listened intently and gave me such good care.  He juggled my other specialists, and he was in charge of my prescriptions.  Even during MANY hospitalizations, and surgeries, he took care of it all and did the follow up.  I’m sure he will sign a release for the book, then he will be revealed as the hero he was to me.

Changing subjects.  Today I picked up my youngest son from his visitation with his Dad.  Another thing I am very grateful for on this weekend of Thanks, is the relationship I now have with his Father.  We are civil, and we try hard to meet in the middle with each other.  This is addressed in the book, but I would like to comment on a few things that may help out divorced parents.  My EX has left his girlfriend…aka….demon from hell (as she is referred to in the book), for over a year now.  What a difference a year makes!  This woman attempted to make my life a living hell.  She abused my youngest son, and brainwashed my EX into thinking I was the enemy.  She tried everything she could do to take my place.  Even going so far as to do very uncool things like changing my children’s pediatrician behind my back, falsifying medical records, listing herself as the Mother on school forms, when she wasn’t even a STEP-MOTHER,changing parent-teacher conferences so we could not co-parent in their school, writing me nasty notes in his school planner, making fun events like soccer, football, and school events hell, refusing to be civil or use good manners and say hello at these events making my children feel like ping pong balls back and forth because we were never allowed to sit together for them, in court the judge had to write a very detailed list of Do’s and Don’ts for her because she would not respect my position as their Mother or the courts position.  Running her own EX out of town because she immediately made my EX their Father, knowing he had no choice but to accept this because he had other children in another far away state.  She did this to her own children.  My ex and I had shared legal and shared physical custody. He needed to rely on the bus system because of his job, so I drove them back and forth to school every other week.  I came home from my honeymoon to a subpoena taped on our door that we were going back to court – AGAIN so they could have pretty much full custody of our children because my youngest had been struggling in school, and I would not agree to a county summer enrichment program so therefore it was my fault that he was struggling.  My opinion on this was that he needed one on one tutoring,(which I ended up doing on my week) that I would pay for, not just a six week Summer program which was basically daycare with a plus for the Summer. Yes, I won the court date, AGAIN, and yes he had to pay my attorney’s fee’s AGAIN.  The book will reveal who this woman really is, not her name, but her character.  A drug abuser, proven several times, and several people came to me with the stories, slowly the kids started to unveil the MONSTER.  Unfortunately, once you have had shared custody for as long as we did, I practically had to catch her with a needle hanging out of her arm to prove anything.  Before I explain this next part, due to her “supposed” abuse prior, the judge had ordered NO CORPORAL punishment of my children.  THANK GOD A GOOD WOMAN WITH A GREAT HEART CAME FORWARD!  My husband and I were preparing for a weekend away to visit by youngest step-son in college for the weekend, and I got a call that rocked my world!  She was a neighbor in their neighborhood and their kids played together.  She called me and said, “You need to know what I just saw, your EX’s girlfriend banged on my door like a mad woman and demanded he leave the play date at my house.  Apparently, he had not made her aware he was going ten doors down (townhouses) because she was still asleep at 1:00pm, and he called his Dad at work to make sure it was OK, and it was, then I saw her grab him and shake him while screaming at him in the neighborhood and she said, you have to deal with me over the Summer and if you don’t I will make your life hell!”  Apparently, her son was not invited because of some behavior issues and so she lost her babysitter in my son and had to get up!  By the time I got over there my son was back over at her house and I dialed 911.  My son was so frightened by the consequences he would not confess to the police, but they questioned her and she admitted to it.  At this point the courts were closed and since my son wouldn’t talk to the police, I would have to get a restraining order.  So, I took my son, even though it was not my week yet. (we did week on, week off as shared custody goes)  Monday morning I was granted a temporary restraining order with a court date.  My son at this point had broken down and told ALL. Remember that gut feeling I referred to with my oldest, same thing applies here, I knew it, but didn’t have proof.  Now I did and I was ready for war.  He told the Guardian ad Litem, and the judge what had happened this time, and previous times and since she had been his live in girlfriend for 12 years (supposedly engaged, but I knew that would NEVER happen) the courts granted me full custody, and my EX would get every other weekend, some extra time in the Summer, and much of it was left to my discretion, and if he felt uncomfortable or wanted to leave, one call to me (they both had cell phones at this point) and he could come home. Being the mature adult she was, she decided to completely ignore him adn stay in the bedroom the entire time of his visits, THANK GOD.  We had a wonderful Summer together.  He started a new school, and was instantly popular and LOVED by the girls.  He even had a girlfriend by the middle of the year. He was monitored closely by the teaching staff, his counselor, tutor, and his Pediatrician.  We started reading the same books together.  He had always loved my husband, but their bond became amazing.  They hunted, fished, and even golfed together.  If Dr. T was going to the grocery store, my son was right there next to him.  We re-decorated his room in his favorite colors to represent his favorite football team.  We showered him with love, kindness,tenderness, and he stayed in counseling for awhile, but then he no longer needed to go. (For a full year, and the schools here are harder, the best in Virginia, and middle school kids, unlike his last school were not given lap tops, he was learning from scratch essentially, struggled but worked hard)   Turns out he is without a doubt ADD, and the beginning the next year he started medication)  When he started high school he became even more popular and was totally out of his shell, making good grades, participating in sports, has amazing manners, yes sir, no sir, does all the chores he’s assigned,and loves to go shopping and match (his FAV) Ralph Lauren t-shirts to his vans or sneakers.  He has begun his Sophomore year and is A/B honor roll and loves to think about his college career.  (Finger’s crossed, hopefully in medicine)  I digressed again, but he is my favorite subject!  So, I picked him up from his Dad’s house today and an old high school friend of ours, who my EX had been estranged from due to him speaking his mind about her, was there and they were eating pizza and watching football.  My oldest son had stopped by earlier and enjoyed the days events as well.  My EX and I had some money/insurance issues we needed to finalize and came to a compromise easily.  Our friend left and we decided to chat for a awhile in his new house that he is very proud to call his own.  I do not mean this in a condescending way so please don’t take it as such.  I’m proud of him.  I’m so VERY proud that he stepped up and said, NO MORE to this evil woman, and he still takes care of her children every other weekend, which is the right thing to do. You see, I forgave him a long time ago.  Not for him, but for me.  It’s empowering and my life although hectic at times, is so good.  I want the same thing for him because that means good things for our children.

FINALLY, A MORAL TO THIS BLOG.  Divorced parents – Do the right thing for your kids.  I was no angel at the end of my marriage having given up on someone who was unfortunately emotionally unavailable, and just realizing I needed more.  I needed a career to call my own, I needed sexy time in the bedroom, I needed the kind of love that grows stronger everyday, and I am willing to do the work.  GIRLFRIENDS TO MEN WITH CHILDREN – Be kind to your boyfriends ex-wife, she is the Mother of his children. You get to be lucky like I am and enjoy my grown step-children without the added pressure and responsibility!  You get to be the FUN parent.  You will look so much better to these kids if you respect their Mom and treat her with kindness.  You can secretly hate her if she is uncool to you, BUT NEVER let the kids see it, and its best kept to yourself anyway.  If he’s any kind of decent man at all, he may not say it, but will resent you if you say nasty things or interfere in something that is none of your business.  If he’s any kind of decent Dad and loves he kids, there will be a part of him that will always love her for giving him these treasures.  My husband, is the finest of examples.  He loves my kids, but he does not try and be the FATHER.  My children have a Dad, that’s his job.  Dr. T will readily admit that my youngest is closest to his heart.  He was only eight years old when we began our relationship, and only 11 when we got married.  Since he is 15 years older than me, he is worldly and wise. Since he loves me so much, he knows they are the key to my heart.  WOMEN WHO IGNORE THIS ADVICE – Your relationship is doomed, you will become “the demon from hell”, the old saying you attract more bee’s with honey could not be more correct.  Be secure in yourself, this woman is of no threat to you.  Their marriage is over for a reason.  Be the bigger person!  Be kind to her, respect her position as the Mom, and I would be willing to bet she will become your friend.  What more could you ask for?  You’ve got the man, and if all the sudden you get sick or you need to go out of town and want your man to go with you?  She will step up, take the kid’s, bring you chicken noodle soup and latest copy of Glamour magazine.  She will say have a great time on your trip, and she will only bother you during it if the house is on fire!  ADDED BONUS – He’s all yours when she has the kids – that means playtime for the adults!  Make the most of it.

That’s all for now, sorry to report that Chapter 7 out of 12 is still not a done deal!  What the heck was I thinking when I thought, as a former publisher, no biggie, I can finish this in 9 months.  Crazy talk I tell you!  I’m praying for that April 2015 release date.  Goodnight, or good morning, it’s 4:55 a.m.  I guess my midnight deadline was a dream.

Keep the e-mails coming!  I’m loving reading your thoughts.

– Stephanie….aka mask wearer of the Doctor’s wife…..

Here she goes again!

The deadline was at Midnight, Sunday the 23rd.  As you can see I am struggling!  I am really focusing on “keeping it real’, but I am also focusing on not writing a medical journal.

The disease that plagued my entire life, has also saved my life.  It’s very hard to produce a timeline of events, how I somehow made it through them, and how my life is forever changed, but so much was lost.

 

Chapter secosmopolitan-282993_1920.jpgven is the most emotional part of the book for me.  Although I was already a mother of three, I was freaking out over the next surgery they told me I had to have immediately, and it  would forever change me as a woman who could no longer have any more children.  I knew I was blessed with the three I had, but was I ready to accept that I could never do it again?  I know it seems dark, but my friends were so supportive!  They came over and trashed the large supply of feminine products, and we partied over no more periods with  Cosmo’s!  I mean that was the proper thing to do!  Little did I know how bad the surgeries, yes plural, would go.  I can’t even think about that in this chapter because it just makes me so MAD!  How many more band-aid fixes for internal bleeding, blood transfusions, and passing out cold would it take to make these physicians and surgeons scratch their heads and say, hummm…..maybe it’s something else?  Do normal people just develop big cysts on their ovaries that burst into a fiery inferno?  I mean on a regular basis! I just remember being so tired.

The worst part was that I was doing EVERYTHING to get my life in order.  I don’t know that I was doing it all to completion of great results, but I was doing it.  I was constantly feeling guilty over not giving everything 100% of my attention.  I was in extreme pain two weeks out of the month!  My maternal grandmother, my MeMa was the only one who understood.  She didn’t tell me it would get better, she didn’t tell me don’t take the pain medication, she didn’t do anything but listen and tell me how much she loved me, how much she believed in me.  It makes me want to cry because she is gone.  I loved her so much!  It’s times like this when I’ve been up for 20 hours, met a deadline and am now posting my blog, the finish line in sight, I can hear her saying I believe in you, I know you can do it!  So, now I am doing it!

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I also remember the guilt.  The guilt I put on myself seeing the worry in my children’s eye’s, why is Mommy sick again?  My ex was a fantastic help and graciously offered to keep them extra time while I was hospitalized for ten days over a procedure that the Doctor’s said would only be 48 hours.  Obviously, my Mom helped with my boys and even took me to our river home so I could rest and get the pain under control.  I was so exhausted I slept most of the time but she really took care of me, feed me, and made sure I was comfortable.  Thank you, Mom, for always loving me so much.  I have scared you so many times.  Again, the guilt, of putting the people you love the most through so much worry was the harder than the 18+ belly surgeries.  My oldest son, my hero, always by my side.  Our love was the strongest of all.

Fret not, dear readers, our fair maiden gets through it, fights through it, and picks herself up and get’s moving.  In this chapter we are introduced to my mentor, I have always looked up to Giraffe’s. This great leader and ultimate motivator of starting my own business has not been given his release yet, but I’m sure he will.  This great writer will probably endorse the book!  He has a great amount of power, and he was about to meet his new project.  Pay it forward if you can in your life.  It always comes back.  I’m a walking talking example of it.

Moving on…Oh the places we will go!

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I am pleased to report that I have finally picked up some momentum and we may see this book before 2017!  I’m only joking.  I do think we will meet the 2/2015 deadline, however, I doubt the marketing and everything that must be done happens on time due to our ski trip out West in February so we are looking at a release date of March 2015.  I know everyone keeps asking and it is nice that friends and family are thinking of me – but the pressure is building!  There are times when I’m just at a loss for words.  Hello, Ghostwriter?  She does remind me that this is my story, my life, my desire to educate others in navigating through our healthcare system, and hopefully the reader hears my voice, and not hers.  I’m on board with that, however honestly there are days that I am staring at the screen!  I like to think I can be comical in the telling of this story.  Do I think I will be the next James Patterson?  No, at this point I’d settle for Dr. Seuss!

I do believe with a passion that my life is better given this experience.  Although re-living it is hard, it does serve a purpose!  My family and I are so much closer than we have ever been, and I feel so fulfilled as a wife, mother, daughter, sister, aunt, grandmother and friend.  It is the best feeling to be present in life, to love, to laugh and to give back to those who have given so much to me.  Also, close those doors that just aren’t good for you.  You may have to deal with certain people for business or children the important thing is when it’s over, don’t dwell on it!  It was probably not as great as you built it in your mind anyway, otherwise wouldn’t you still be doing it? “I haven’t got time for the pain”.

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For those that a procrastinating fitness, I encourage you to “Just Do It”!  This was the greatest Nike shoe’s slogan.  I know I am in trouble come this Thursday at my weigh-in at my doctor’s office, I did not intend on losing this much weight!  I am eating, this is for sure, I just cut out a lot of the bad foods.  Most of what I eat now is organic fruit, vegetables, protein, and the occasional “good” carbohydrate!  Trust me when I say ladies, nothing tastes as good as thin.  Nothing helps your core, back, and pain levels than just doing the work.  You can believe I’ve tried every way possible to get around it!  The probiotics are a must, nothing makes your belly feel better.

Another thing that most women forget or don’t have the time to do is critical for our self-esteem – TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF AND DO THINGS THAT MAKE YOU FEEL SEXY!  Your body is a wonderland.  Go get your nails done, use the best shampoo and conditioner for healthy shiny hair, wash your make up off every night and moisturize, wear perfume, wear clothes you like and flatter your figure, have lots of sex with your husband, read your favorite book, make a new recipe, make random acts of kindness a habit, SMILE, do some self-reflection every day, and work hard at feeling good about yourself!  No one can do this for you.  Forgive people that have wronged you.  I know this is a tough one, it was very hard for me in some cases, but you will feel better about yourself and about life.  Before you know it you are looking at the leaves changing colors, and bouncing around to HAPPY music!  Carly Simon, Nobody does it better, makes me think of my husband!  Baby, Baby, your the best!

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I got a bad cold this weekend and ran a fever the last few days….YUCK.  I can no longer stand just laying around!  What has happened to me?  LOL…. I got grumpy.  I snapped at the EX for something really stupid, and I pouted!  After putting to bed Chapter five and six of the book, I instantly felt better.  Fever?  Gone!  I am realizing what is happening to me, I have taken on so many healthy habits that I was actually angry I couldn’t exercise or get things done.  Not half done and depending on someone else as existed in the past, but doing it all by myself!  It’s so tempting to put the mask back on, and self-discipline has never really been my thing. However, our masked Princess will prevail, don’t worry she will again “if given the choice to sit it out or dance?”  She will dance and drag as many people to the dance floor as she can!

Keep the e-mails coming…so awesome to hear your stories!